His latest album contains some gorgeous tracks, but I think that the title has been the most relevant to me in the past couple of weeks. ‘Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent’ (available on all good music providing apps and in stores) really sums up life currently. I’ve seen no end of art and creative writing competitions, yet I have absolutely nothing to pour onto a page. As Pink Floyd said, I am comfortably numb. A few weeks ago, seeing death tolls of thousands due to a never-seen before virus would have sent me into a panic spiral. Today, it’s just another notification, another post to scroll through. It sounds callous, but to take everything as seriously as I normally do would drive me to insanity right now.
So we sit. We wait. We avoid the outside and others. We tut at those who flout the recommendations, because they are in fact prolonging the isolation. If I had this much time before, I would be encouraged to do something new. To complete a project, to learn something, to do something new. You can see in my last post from only a short while ago that I was bursting with ideas of things to do. I still have ideas, but the energy to do them seems to have been lost somewhere around the 20th March. I’ve started numerous projects, made plans, lists, you name it. I’ve thought about just putting on some makeup and nice clothes, but the feeling of pointlessness seems to surround that.
So what’s a girl to do? My thinking now is not to think. I am only focusing on the very next thing, whether that is finishing my cup of coffee or cooking some pasta. I don’t make a plan for the next day, because, frankly, I know I’m not going to do it and then I’ll feel terrible because of not doing it. This means that some days I can do some of my uni work, plant some seeds, change the bed or cook something nice. It also means that other days, I watch movies, scour online shops for extravagant homeware that I’ll never buy (I like to fill my basket with it just to see how much it would come to) and throw some potato wedges in the oven. It’s an achievement on those days if I shower.
To reiterate, this would have horrified me a month ago, but it’s what I have adopted as my new normal, as we all have had to do. There is so much uncertainty in the world currently, which would normally send my mental health into overdrive trying to grasp control of whatever I can. However, today I can say, I am not productive and I am okay with that. It’s a coping mechanism. I’m not saying that at some point in the future, I won’t have a collapse and spiral, but for now, just doing okay is okay for me. Stay safe everyone x
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